someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
