This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
