i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
