When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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