I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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