Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
