if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
