maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
