Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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