I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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