Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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