Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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