a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
