Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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