oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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