remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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