Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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