he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
