Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
