The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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