I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
