You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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