I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
