I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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