If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
