Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
