After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
