just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
