My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
