My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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