Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
