Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
