I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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