It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
