the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
