please come you make the beer taste better
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
