i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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