Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
