I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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