Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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