my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
