Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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