oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
