It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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