All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize