Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
