I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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