I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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