i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
