one might say we're banned from that church
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
