There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
