Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
