I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
