I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i came on her dog
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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