I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
