Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
