Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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