I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
