he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
