Swine flu. Run for my life!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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