I think I won the penis lottery.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
