Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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