At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize