I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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