I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
