We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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