hotel room ftw
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
